Open adoption is norm...

I want to address the Salt Lake Tribune article that came out today called, Open adoption is norm; should arrangements be enforced?
I have spoken a little about my placement and how it is closed, however I want to talk more about my opinion on this matter.
I knew when I placed my little butterfly that I would no longer receive pictures after she turned 5 years old. However, I was under the impression that I would receive a letter every year on her birthday until forever... and I too would be able to send a letter. 
When she turned 6, I wrote a letter to her adoptive parents asking for more openness. I wanted to continue receiving pictures. I saw no harm in this situation and felt the adoptive parents would see no harm in this as well. At that time, I was married and had a son of my own. To my dismay, they did not agree, it was quite opposite in fact. They no longer wanted to receive letters from me and did not want to send any more pictures, but did promise to send a letter every year on her birthday.

I was crushed.
I knew they had no legal obligation to send me anything at all, so I tried desperately to be grateful for what they would send. I was mostly hurt by not being able to write to them, I truly enjoyed sharing my life with them as well.
This did not change my mind about placing my little butterfly. In no way did I think... 'Well, I shouldn't have placed. They won't even send me pictures of her.'
I won't lie... it hurt. I don't know why they made this decision. I don't know why they felt it would be harmful to continue to send me pictures. I really have no idea why they didn't want me to continue to write. I wish I knew... but I have to believe everything happens for a reason. It is harder to not feel a little rejected, because honestly that is how I felt. Rejected.
Jump ahead 4 years... I am more involved with the adoption community now and 80% of placements are open. Read my thoughts on that here.
Now -
I hold true to open adoption.
I ache for my own placement to be open.


I do agree that we should have enforceable contracts on open adoption. These contracts should be re-evaluated over time on both sides. I think it would help stop adoptive couples up front from promising everything under the sun. { I don't believe every adoptive couple does this } Thus, being a better understanding for both parties of what the relationship will truly become. 
Each placement is so unique and individual, thus I believe every contract should be the same, unique and individual. 
I agree with this statement in the article..
She favors enforceable open-adoption agreements that allow parties to use mediators when disputes or problems arise, and so do many of her clients, who say that failure to live up to agreements hurts children and birth parents and tarnishes adoption as an option.

Now I want to throw something out there -

The article mentions how an adoptive couple closed off communication with their son/daughter's birth mother because she was involved with drugs.
What if one or both of the adoptive parents become involved with drugs?
What if one or both of the adoptive parents become destructive to the adopted child?
What if the adoptive parents divorce?

Does this change anything?

I believe most birth mothers and probably most 'by standers' of adoption, view adoptive parents as perfect. 
I often hear birth mothers say, 
"I looked through hundreds of adoptive couples profiles and they were all perfect couples. It was so hard to chose."
The point I am trying to make with this thought is...


Truth is: adoptive couples are human beings. They make mistakes. Period. They make mistakes, just like birth mothers, just like every person in the human race. No one is perfect.
No adoptive couple is perfect. No birth mother is perfect.
Just because you place your baby for adoption doesn't necessarily mean he/she will go on to live a fairy tale life. 

I believed this, for a time.

However, it just doesn't work that way. I wish it did. And this is the first sound advice I would give a pregnant women in the face of a decision such as adoption. 

Your child that you place will be met with trials and tribulations just like every other person in this world. Along with adoptive couples, who will do amazing jobs as parents and may also make a mistake from time to time. 

Life isn't perfect and neither are people in your life.

The fact is... you don't know what your relationship will be with the adoptive couple. You don't know what it may become over time. It could be amazing! It could be horrific. All in all, I am in favor of what is best for the child.

Should there be enforceable contracts between adoptive couples and birth mothers? 

I believe so. I think every healthy relationship needs some type of structure, no matter how simple it may be. 

I also believe there should be a mediator in this 'relationship' between adoptive couples and birth mothers. 

I also believe these contracts should be re-evalutated over time and every decision and contract should be in the best interest of the child.

I didn't place my little butterfly for adoption because it was easy.

I didn't place my little butterfly for adoption under the circumstances that I would be allowed pictures of her forever...

that I would be allowed to ever meet her.

that I would be allowed to spend family vacations with her.

that I would be allowed to fill this emptiness of missing her by seeing her on a day to day basis.

I placed my little butterfly for adoption because it was in the best interest, at that time, for her.

In the end, isn't that what adoption is about?

The child.

On a personal note:

I cannot allow myself to feel rejected by the decisions of the adoptive couple.

I can believe in God and the power of answered prayers.

I can continue to become a better person, mother, friend and birth mother regardless of any circumstances. 
I can continue to be an adoption advocate and stand behind every birth mother who has made this difficult decision.
and I will.